All you kiddos going off to college causes me to reminisce

My RA helped move a bin up the stairs from my moms car. As she did, she stumbled and dropped my secret stash of magazines, a dildo, and vibrators. I just stood there; both my mother and RA looked stunned. All I could say as I bent down to pick up my paraphernalia was “I know, right?”

*sighs* my first day at a private Lutheran university in middle America was fun.

"It’s not that I have become more comfortable being by myself; it’s that I have become more afraid of the outside world."

— My overwhelming anxiety

Self aware and body image are important and personal.

It isn’t OK to belittle yourself by comparing your body to someone elses.

It isn’t OK to belittle someone else by comparing their body to yours.

It isn’t a compliment, it isn’t your right, it isn’t your place. 

coming of age

I hate it.  I don’t want it.

Tags: rant personal ugh

I felt nothing

People are always going to ask me why I don’t just ‘swallow my pride’ and talk to her and I will always be polite and direct the conversation in a different direction because they will never understand how truly evil this person was. It took me 31 years to come to terms and move on, so how can I expect anyone to understand how my survival is more important than their opinions when they have only understood seconds of my situation? Yesterday I was ironically confronted with my ‘abuser’ and in a surprising twist, I am happy to say that it is liberating to no longer feel that fear or rage boiling inside me

Today I see what a privilege this moment is/was. I was a kid when my dad retired. I was also a kid when he worked 60 hours a week and still made it to all my sporting events or band performances. When he retired he turned into this super dad. He asked for forgiveness for the bad times and all the typical cop shit a family has to go through and he became the coach of the teams or the defender of his kids when they fucked up. He got to grow old and watch his kids graduate college and fall in love. He watched us fail and he picked us back up.  He cheered when we succeeded.  He got to live to be an old man with old man problems and we all cried when he passed because he seemed fucking larger than life.

Today two cops were gunned down while eating pizza. The gunman then killed another person and then shot themselves.  This person took all of those potential memories from their would be families and I can help but to feel heavy. My heart aches for this loss.  As a cops kid and as a human being, I am saddened that this has happened.

Today I see what a privilege this moment is/was. I was a kid when my dad retired. I was also a kid when he worked 60 hours a week and still made it to all my sporting events or band performances. When he retired he turned into this super dad. He asked for forgiveness for the bad times and all the typical cop shit a family has to go through and he became the coach of the teams or the defender of his kids when they fucked up. He got to grow old and watch his kids graduate college and fall in love. He watched us fail and he picked us back up. He cheered when we succeeded. He got to live to be an old man with old man problems and we all cried when he passed because he seemed fucking larger than life.

Today two cops were gunned down while eating pizza. The gunman then killed another person and then shot themselves. This person took all of those potential memories from their would be families and I can help but to feel heavy. My heart aches for this loss. As a cops kid and as a human being, I am saddened that this has happened.

My heart broke tonight as I left the market

His hands were dirty and his skin was overly tan from being outside for who knows how long. He smelled but not like a grown up living on the streets. He smelled like a kid who had been playing outside all day long. He had these really sad blue eyes. He clung to his stomach like it ached. It hurt to try to ignore him. Then he spoke and I wanted to cry. I couldn’t tell if he was dope sick or starving. I pulled all the money from my purse. $5.86 and the water bottle I had. I gave it to him and told him it was all I had. He started crying and I had to look away. I probably made it worse or maybe he could get a burger. I hope I don’t see him again, not because it hurts to see him but because I hope his folks welcome him back in or that he has friends to crash with. I’ll probably go look for him but then what…

Stress dreams

I dreamt that my dad didn’t fight from a hospital bed. I dreamt he refused treatments and walked out. While on the phone to one of my brothers, letting them know that dad was ill again, he just showed up. He was his funny self; laughing and joking around while all I could do was treat him like a pin pulled grenade.

Just when I thought I had dealt with my emotions of his passing… This shit pops up and reminds me that I’m not there yet.

Last night I was ripped apart by a friends girlfriend because I have chosen to not have health insurance.  She called me all kinds of names and threw back handed comments at me because I am being an idiot.  She used other countries as examples of why the system will work and rambled on and on.  When I finally was able to speak her eyes got so wide.  I explained that because I am privilaged enough to not be chronically ill, because of my economic status in life and my employment status not offering insurance (it would cost me $400 a month for coverage) that I have opted out and would rather pay a fine than go broke paying for coverage that would barely assist me financially if I was ever hospitalized.  I had Tonsillitis (a week ago)  and I went to the doctor.  It cost me $95 .  THAT’S IT!  On the ACA it would have cost me $400 a month plus a $30 co pay and a $10 medication charge totaling my fees for the month at $440 AND that is not including the yearly fees.  I mean, lets face it, it is April so that visit would have cost me$1640.  and I still would not have met my deductible fees.  To top it off when the doctor saw that I was using cash or credit card instead of insurance, he gave me options in my treatment.  He spoke to me about each test and how much they cost.  He gave me the option to chose. 
Because I am not married with children I am penalized to pay more in health care.  I would gladly pay a tax more or a percentage more so that others can have affordable health care, but I have been priced out of the available options to afford affordable health care. 
I respect my friends girlfriends opinions, although uneducated, I am not going to just sit there and allow her to berate me and further her ignorant standpoint.  I’m pretty sure she dislikes me now and assumes I’m some kind of conservative twat, but I don’t care.  It’s my life and I will do what is best for me.

Last night I was ripped apart by a friends girlfriend because I have chosen to not have health insurance.  She called me all kinds of names and threw back handed comments at me because I am being an idiot.  She used other countries as examples of why the system will work and rambled on and on.  When I finally was able to speak her eyes got so wide.  I explained that because I am privilaged enough to not be chronically ill, because of my economic status in life and my employment status not offering insurance (it would cost me $400 a month for coverage) that I have opted out and would rather pay a fine than go broke paying for coverage that would barely assist me financially if I was ever hospitalized.  I had Tonsillitis (a week ago)  and I went to the doctor.  It cost me $95 .  THAT’S IT!  On the ACA it would have cost me $400 a month plus a $30 co pay and a $10 medication charge totaling my fees for the month at $440 AND that is not including the yearly fees.  I mean, lets face it, it is April so that visit would have cost me$1640.  and I still would not have met my deductible fees.  To top it off when the doctor saw that I was using cash or credit card instead of insurance, he gave me options in my treatment.  He spoke to me about each test and how much they cost.  He gave me the option to chose.

Because I am not married with children I am penalized to pay more in health care.  I would gladly pay a tax more or a percentage more so that others can have affordable health care, but I have been priced out of the available options to afford affordable health care. 

I respect my friends girlfriends opinions, although uneducated, I am not going to just sit there and allow her to berate me and further her ignorant standpoint.  I’m pretty sure she dislikes me now and assumes I’m some kind of conservative twat, but I don’t care.  It’s my life and I will do what is best for me.

Remember that time…

Remember that time when I wanted to grow up and buy a house? I didn’t want just any house though. I wanted a working class neighborhood. I wanted to live with like minded, hard working, blah blah blah neighborhood. I wanted an old house with charm.

I got what I wanted but I also got the full on cock smoking problems that come with a home that is over 60 years old. I’m 100% done with this hot water heater and the stupid ass problems that I keep discovering. A hole? There’s a fucking hole in my foundation?

*bangs head against the wall repeatedly*

Image shaming

It was weird because I blamed his upbringing, I blamed where he lived, and I blamed the fact that he always had it so hard; but Saturday night was the last straw.  He asked me why I would wear yellow lip stick or blue lipstick.  He asked if I knew that the lips on a girls face were supposed to represent the lips between her thighs.  I was flabbergasted by his thought process.  This was pretty much the overly stretched last straw.  I told this friend to lose my phone number and that I was gone.  He called me every name he could think of and it rolled off of me like beads of sweat.  I’m pretty sure I would have punched him, had we been in front of one another so blessed be the distance between me and the pig.  When I told Skokie what he had said to me his eyes got wide.  I could see the rage behind his look but he took a breath and asked only one question.  He asked if I was ok. 

HA! I just found this in my phone. I had one day off in two weeks so she took me out for dranks in the middle of the day. Best bae!

I realized today that I have never openly shared this with any of you.  For the people who have known me the longest and have stood by me know that I wasn’t always the best friend, sister, or daughter. I had a dark period where I saw no escape… until I actually did escape. I had this tattoo done a year after surviving my abuser.  I had the tattoo done in the Theban alphabet to hide it’s true meaning from people who may not have understood my struggle.  From the right wrist to the left it spells never again. It’s nearly been 9 years and with the support of an amazing brother, my father (RIP), and friends who forgave me and helped me escape I have become someone I can be proud of and looking down at this tattoo always reminds me.

An individual on tumblr posted about not being sure of what to get to commemorate her own survival and my only advice is allow it to be personal and allow it to be yours. I’m proud of you!

I realized today that I have never openly shared this with any of you. For the people who have known me the longest and have stood by me know that I wasn’t always the best friend, sister, or daughter. I had a dark period where I saw no escape… until I actually did escape. I had this tattoo done a year after surviving my abuser. I had the tattoo done in the Theban alphabet to hide it’s true meaning from people who may not have understood my struggle. From the right wrist to the left it spells never again. It’s nearly been 9 years and with the support of an amazing brother, my father (RIP), and friends who forgave me and helped me escape I have become someone I can be proud of and looking down at this tattoo always reminds me.

An individual on tumblr posted about not being sure of what to get to commemorate her own survival and my only advice is allow it to be personal and allow it to be yours. I’m proud of you!

ZzzQuil is the Devils advocate for weird dreams

forkliftfoot saved me from this weird journey I had to take with this father like figure. She drove us straight into the ocean in this massive old Malibu. Then (it kept getting more odd) themamafox was our guide to getting back to our place to sleep. It was like Mario brothers man. Every time we would be confronted she would whip a turtle shell at the bad guy and we would have to jump down these tunnels to escape.


Like…. what? Hahaha thanks ladies for an awesome night of dreams!

fuck facebook passive fucks

All I wanted to do was spread a little positive light to the fucks in my real life. right?  All I wanted to do was express body positivity regardless of body type.  Some how EVERY ASS HOLE man made it a health debate.  WHAT the ACTUAL FUCK